OK, tried fresh OS on two different hard drives, one with an install from my other laptop

I've never pulled the battery before this issue started and I'm pretty good about keeping my machines clean and healthy so I doubt if it's dirty contacts. They look clean and undamaged as far as I can tell. Windows detects the battery fine and notifies me as soon as I remove it so that's something at least.

I've done some minor laptop surgery before and you're right, it's an incredible hassle and I'm always ridiculously paranoid about breaking something since it's all cheap plastic and awkwardly designed, cramped guts. Feels like working on an early 90s micro PC with all the cramping. Bleh. We really need a solid DIY laptop market... not just one vendor selling absurdly overpriced chassis.

Gah... I really hope I don't have to replace this thing. No battery life is a dealbreaker for me.