Ummm... this is so weird.

I turned on my computer and I try to play a song. "No audio device installed" etc. Weird, I thought. Card must've come loose or something. Turns out no.

All of my processes except for two, the remote procedure call and one other one, are STOPPED and DISABLED! I can't turn them on!

I'm surprised I can even get on the internet and do most things.

I load up the Device Manager and its BLANK.

No weird processes are running in the background. I can't imagine how I could have gotten a virus.

I can't do a virus scan because Trend Micro's online scan won't update.

What the hell do I do? Try a System Restore or something? What are my options? Please help-- thanks!